You texted me last Tuesday evening, “Yo birthday girl, did ya get my text? Wanna make sure you know I didn’t forget ya, how was your day?” For some unknown reason I didn’t get his text from that morning at 6:30am. He sent me the screen shot from his phone that clearly said “Happiest of birthdays to you! <3<3<3 I hope you have an awesome day.” I explained to him that my phone was stupid. I told him I had a great day and that I missed him. He said “I’m glad you enjoyed your day! I miss you tooooo!”
I write this all out because this is the last interaction I had with my best friend before he left me. (My heart is breaking)
As some of you know or don’t know, Asa and I have (I say have because it still doesn’t seem past tense) been friends, basically each other first best friends, since the 2nd grade. His dad had been friends with my uncles and mom for years and that’s just how it all started. Asa and I have been through so much together as friends, he was a trouble maker growing up and no matter what I was there. I remember and still have letters we wrote to each other when he was “behind bars.” His first tattoo were my initials (which he may haunt me for saying but this is my story) on his upper arm that came with a long love letter. This was when we were in our early teens, and we didn’t even really know what love was. He got over that crush, covered the tattoo up and we went on being the bestest friends. (My heart is breaking)
After one of my good friends passed away during college I decided to move to NH but always going back home to visit. I remember the day I told him that I had “fallin” in love with a girl…before his transition, he was so happy and at the same time looked like he wanted to smack me for all the years I had said I wasn’t interested in that human body. He was so supportive and you all know how supportive he was.
After my relationship ended about 9 years ago we had gone out drank a lot and like normal days I stayed at his house (because I was living in NH). Asa and I have always had this deep love for each other, and in a non-romantical way, but a way that was weird and interesting. So that night we said “why the fuck not, lets kiss!!” OMG! it couldn’t have been more awful, it was the worse. So bad we literally looked at each other, tried one more time, and laughed for like 10 minutes because we both knew we weren’t meant to be together like that. BUT that’s the love we had, it had to be done. (My heart is breaking).
Fast forwarded. I have watched Asa turn into the man he truly has been all of his life, he was happy and so handsome. Asa was by myside during my wedding, and after that was when he fell in love with Colorado and where he last saw Dave. Watching Asa deal with losing his best friend and brother was heartbreaking. Growing up with the family and seeing the twins grow this was really painful and heartbreaking to go through, watching Asa and his family deal with this loss. Asa never got over that. We had a lot of down times these last few years. I and a lot of his good friends and family showed him so much support, we had a lot of scares, tears and exhausting times BUT that’s what friends and family are for. It’s not all about the good times, we support each other through the horrible times as well. As much as we tried, tried and tried some more it just wasn’t enough. Demons are demons and some just can’t fight them off. I truly believe in a heart breaking, to the point of no return, and as much love as Asa tried to get and give, the heart was broken.
On his way to Colorado a month ago him and Jake stopped at my house in NH and stayed the night, he was so proud of his bed box on the top of his car he had made for the trip, of course that was the first thing he showed me. We laughed, ate food, I made him a fire ball on ice, yeah I rolled my eyes too, and we spent time together. He seemed really happy and excited to start this new journey. I didn’t see it this time. I didn’t see any signs. I truly believed he was happy. I didn’t see sadness, hurt or pain. Is this where I missed it, did I finally miss it? Is this when it happens?
When someone commits suicide, you don’t really understand, you’re confused, you don’t get it. Asa is a different case. I get it, I have grown up with him and have seen all the shit he has gone through and the depression that lived deep down inside. I get it. He had a great support system, we were all there to try to help him and get him help. Suicide is never the answer. I am fucking pissed off at him, I am so mad, but I get it. I truly get it. I know deep down there is nothing more I could have done. But there will always be that question, why now, he seemed so happy and I did not worry about him going to Colorado. Maybe he already accepted his peace and didn’t want to burden any of us. Unfortunately we lost a great guy, and we are all heart broken, that burden is on us. I am still in dis belief over this all and my insides feel like an ache I can’t really describe. Remember that love I told you about early on that we had? That love in my heart is under water, submerged and unable to breath. He was a one of a kind friend, my MMM to his Bop.
I will always love you, Asa. I don’t want to accept that you’re gone, not yet.
*I don’t want sympathy or your thoughts on suicide because every case is different. What I do want is for you to text your best friends, call your best friends, if you are fighting get the fuck over it, hug your best friends, and just be present. Make them laugh in the moment. It’s the moments in life that matter. Stay positive, laugh, smile and love. LOVE with no regrets, don’t hold on to the small stuff, because at the end of the day, does it really matter?
#NoHashTagsForThisOne (My heart is breaking)
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