A Year in Review, 2018.

I really don’t ever know how to speak my real emotions, I tend to put things on the back burner and hope they disappear, but sometimes people turn the back burner on and I’m on fire.

I wanted to come on here and yell at 2018, really let it all out. I wanted to clear the air before midnight tonight because we all know once the ball drops you get a new life. That, my friend, is complete bullshit. If your life sucks today it will probably suck tomorrow. If you are sad today, you will probably be sad tomorrow. If you want to be happy today, you will probably want to be happy tomorrow. When we think about “tomorrow” and what comes with it, and what it really means, its really just a promise. Tomorrow does not exist. If you die today, tomorrow does not exist, and if you live to wake up tomorrow… sorry to break it to you but it is now “today.” I say all this because decisions are made when you decide to make them. Stop living in the “what if” life and start making changes today.

A lot of things happened in 2018. A lot of things that, that at one point, I didn’t think my heart could take anymore of.

Divorce: It’s funny to me because I never saw this coming, what Vicki and I had was something magical and show stopping but it was also blurry. A lot of people saw us as the power couple, this was because we weren’t assholes to each other in public we had respect for each other. If we were arguing we kept it to ourselves until we were home. We were very happy in the beginning, we loved each other. We still do. As life happens, things change, people change. It is very important to realize that when things happen people take to it differently. I think a few things in our marriage that happened really fucked with me. Vicki and I were not the people we were when we first fell in love. I get people change, but when you don’t recognize the person anymore and you can’t see the love that once was, that’s a problem. We both now see what was wrong and the good and bad we did in the relationship. Unfortunately eyes would have stayed closed if divorce did not happen and we would have been miserable. I did not want to live that life. I also don’t want to live a life with out her. We were meant to be in each others lives, as hard as it can be sometimes now, we are friends and we will remain friends and be a part of each others lives. The romance just didn’t work. IT DIDN’T WORK. That’s ok. I tell my self everyday, that its OK. Divorce is not a win, somewhere, somehow I failed. I also grew, I learned from the relationship, I learned a lot about myself and I am working through my demons.

Bucket List: I have always been big on making list, goals and accomplishments. Part of being divorced is a certain spark that happens. I wanted to do as much as I could and really get out and do shit. 2018 was good to me in that way, I was able to fly to Vegas with my best friend to see my all time favorite, Jennifer Lopez. I was able to take a gun class and shot some guns for the first time. I went speed dating. I flew my first plane. Finished my half sleeve. Got my nose pierce. Bought a dog. I did somethings that just made me happy.

Dating: Don’t you just love when people give their opinions on dating?! Every person in this world wants to think they know when you should date or if its to early after a divorce. I am not the person that is going to run on the worlds timeline. Guess what?! If I feel right about something and my gut doesn’t say run, I go with it. I opened myself up to go out on some dates fairly recently after the separation and divorce. For me, this was ok, it was a distraction. Meeting new people and kind of step back from the people in my life that weren’t really present but judging, (the divorce). I am not the type of person to sit home and cry about shit, that is just not me. I did realize after dating for a few months that the world is a different place these days. Dating apps are fine to meet people but most likely it wont be genuine, everyone has an agenda. I have learned that this year, nobody knows what they really want when dating. You have a vision of what you think you want, but dating is a forced thing, out of your natural being and fictional. Ghosting really does happen. I also learned that people still don’t understand bi-sexuality. “I thought you were a lesbian?” Because I was married to a woman, I was a lesbian. No I wasn’t, and people who knew me knew that, but the ones that didn’t made the assumption and that is OK because I was married to a female. Pretty good assumption. Being back in the dating world I have been dating men, so I get the whole “so now your back into guys?” I was never “out of” guys. Being bi-sexual doesn’t mean you pick a sex and that’s who you are into now. I roll with the punches. If I like you and you are cool and we connect, guy or girl I may crush on you. I like both sides, I am not choosing one side at one time, I am choosing a person to hang with or date. Instead of asking me those questions, ask me if I am happy. Start there.

Loss: I dealt with the hardest loss in my life this year. I still haven’t fully dealt with it, scroll back to the start of this post about the back burner, I am working on it. My best friend killing himself was earth shattering but at the same time the sky opened up. For me this was an emotional roller coaster of feelings. My heart breaks and I miss him so much every day BUT with that said… when I got the call it was like I prepared myself for this call. I finally didn’t have to wait for the call anymore. A sense of relief was lifted from my shoulders. I feel awful saying that. What he did was not fair to him or his family. I do not believe in suicide, I feel like its a bitch move and it leaves everyone in the “why?” stage for the rest of their lives. I don’t have that “why” and I think most everyone that really knew Asa will not live with that “why.” I see his picture in my bedroom, and my heart aches and my whole body misses him, but part of my healing is the relief that somehow I know he is ok.

Love: Does love really exist? Yes, yes it does. But for how long? Love scares the shit out of me. I think with being married and actually feeling that magical kind of love and then losing it and not seeing it again with that person is frightening. I have recently opened my heart to that possibility again. I wasn’t ready for it, I stopped dating for a couple months to really just work on me. I had these “walls” up because of all my fears, and insecurities I needed to work on. While this was all happening, someone who has been around through these trying times basically walked right into my life. I wasn’t protecting myself from him because I didn’t need to, he was friend. We didn’t fake anything, it wasn’t fictional, or forced. 2 people, 2 friends, 2 emotions. When you can’t stop thinking about someone, you miss them a ton and they make you feel alive again with all your walls down, you’re fucked. I don’t really have words for this, I am still scared of love, and I am still not the person I fully want to be BUT the rawness of this is what I need and something I have always wanted.

2019: We all make resolutions, even if we don’t say them out loud, at one point you have said, “I want to do this in 2019, or next year I want to do this.” For me this year I have a couple things I am going to do. Not only tackle my bucket list, but also have a personal/emotional bucket list. Work on me, I can’t fully make other people happy if I have my own demons. My brain is a circus, with so many things that I have kept on the back burners, so many things that have recently happened and things that I didn’t even see happening until they appeared. That will be my top priority. I also want to make time and be more present for my friends. When I say friends, I mean my true friends. I am done going back and forth with “friends” who want to hang out but never do. I need clarity and purity in my life. I know who my true friends are and I am going to show them that I know. Don’t get butt hurt if I don’t try to reach out anymore, its not you its me. I am making the decision to stop something that is not working. You are probably the friend that thought I was a lesbian. This will be a work in progress. I have been feeling this sense of needing to do something bigger than me. I have not found out what that means or how I go about in figuring it out but I have this urge inside of me, its been there for some time and I want to try to get closer to figuring it out this year, 2019.

Tomorrow: I want to say thank you to tomorrow, for giving me hope and believing in something. I also want to tell you to go eat a bag of dicks. I am changing my life today.

Its not out with the old in with the new, because the old is why you are who you are. Don’t forget what got you here. Just know you can change, you can make a difference, you can be better. Mind over matter. Choose happiness. I am choosing happiness, I am choosing change.

xoxo

Shar

 

 

Asa <3

You texted me last Tuesday evening, “Yo birthday girl, did ya get my text? Wanna make sure you know I didn’t forget ya, how was your day?” For some unknown reason I didn’t get his text from that morning at 6:30am. He sent me the screen shot from his phone that clearly said “Happiest of birthdays to you! <3<3<3 I hope you have an awesome day.” I explained to him that my phone was stupid. I told him I had a great day and that I missed him. He said “I’m glad you enjoyed your day! I miss you tooooo!”

I write this all out because this is the last interaction I had with my best friend before he left me. (My heart is breaking)

As some of you know or don’t know, Asa and I have (I say have because it still doesn’t seem past tense) been friends, basically each other first best friends, since the 2^nd grade. His dad had been friends with my uncles and mom for years and that’s just how it all started. Asa and I have been through so much together as friends, he was a trouble maker growing up and no matter what I was there. I remember and still have letters we wrote to each other when he was “behind bars.” His first tattoo were my initials (which he may haunt me for saying but this is my story) on his upper arm that came with a long love letter. This was when we were in our early teens, and we didn’t even really know what love was. He got over that crush, covered the tattoo up and we went on being the bestest friends. (My heart is breaking)

After one of my good friends passed away during college I decided to move to NH but always going back home to visit. I remember the day I told him that I had “fallin” in love with a girl…before his transition, he was so happy and at the same time looked like he wanted to smack me for all the years I had said I wasn’t interested in that human body. He was so supportive and you all know how supportive he was.

After my relationship ended about 9 years ago we had gone out drank a lot and like normal days I stayed at his house (because I was living in NH). Asa and I have always had this deep love for each other, and in a non-romantical way, but a way that was weird and interesting. So that night we said “why the fuck not, lets kiss!!” OMG! it couldn’t have been more awful, it was the worse. So bad we literally looked at each other, tried one more time, and laughed for like 10 minutes because we both knew we weren’t meant to be together like that. BUT that’s the love we had, it had to be done. (My heart is breaking).

Fast forwarded. I have watched Asa turn into the man he truly has been all of his life, he was happy and so handsome. Asa was by myside during my wedding, and after that was when he fell in love with Colorado and where he last saw Dave. Watching Asa deal with losing his best friend and brother was heartbreaking. Growing up with the family and seeing the twins grow this was really painful and heartbreaking to go through, watching Asa and his family deal with this loss. Asa never got over that. We had a lot of down times these last few years. I and a lot of his good friends and family showed him so much support, we had a lot of scares, tears and exhausting times BUT that’s what friends and family are for. It’s not all about the good times, we support each other through the horrible times as well. As much as we tried, tried and tried some more it just wasn’t enough. Demons are demons and some just can’t fight them off. I truly believe in a heart breaking, to the point of no return, and as much love as Asa tried to get and give, the heart was broken.

On his way to Colorado a month ago him and Jake stopped at my house in NH and stayed the night, he was so proud of his bed box on the top of his car he had made for the trip, of course that was the first thing he showed me. We laughed, ate food, I made him a fire ball on ice, yeah I rolled my eyes too, and we spent time together. He seemed really happy and excited to start this new journey. I didn’t see it this time. I didn’t see any signs. I truly believed he was happy. I didn’t see sadness, hurt or pain. Is this where I missed it, did I finally miss it? Is this when it happens?

When someone commits suicide, you don’t really understand, you’re confused, you don’t get it. Asa is a different case. I get it, I have grown up with him and have seen all the shit he has gone through and the depression that lived deep down inside. I get it. He had a great support system, we were all there to try to help him and get him help. Suicide is never the answer. I am fucking pissed off at him, I am so mad, but I get it. I truly get it. I know deep down there is nothing more I could have done. But there will always be that question, why now, he seemed so happy and I did not worry about him going to Colorado. Maybe he already accepted his peace and didn’t want to burden any of us. Unfortunately we lost a great guy, and we are all heart broken, that burden is on us. I am still in dis belief over this all and my insides feel like an ache I can’t really describe. Remember that love I told you about early on that we had? That love in my heart is under water, submerged and unable to breath. He was a one of a kind friend, my MMM to his Bop.

I will always love you, Asa. I don’t want to accept that you’re gone, not yet.

*I don’t want sympathy or your thoughts on suicide because every case is different. What I do want is for you to text your best friends, call your best friends, if you are fighting get the fuck over it, hug your best friends, and just be present. Make them laugh in the moment. It’s the moments in life that matter. Stay positive, laugh, smile and love. LOVE with no regrets, don’t hold on to the small stuff, because at the end of the day, does it really matter?

#NoHashTagsForThisOne (My heart is breaking)